Current Sounds: Coldplay - The Escapist
I have been having a hard time readjusting to a life that I once found comfortable. It's weird how temporary familiarity is ... I was born and raised in the States and have enjoyed a relatively high standard of living for 22 years of my life and yet, all it took was 8 months to question everything. Where is my place? What roles are the friends I left behind supposed to play? Do I like it here? What am I doing? Sadly, these have been a few of the questions that have plagued my mind upon arrival and by letting it consume me, I almost lost something that I told myself I would fight for everyday; the backpacker mentality.
The backpacker mentality, although not only embraced by the backpacker community, is a philosophy on life and one that I try to live by. It's knowing that in everyday there is an adventure to be had, a story yet to be told and beauty to covet as it is in everything ... never hidden, revealing itself only when one chooses to see it. I saw it everywhere in my trip; in poverty, in health, in skies, in valleys, in oceans and above all, in the eyes, the smiles and the hearts of my fellow man. I had not seen beauty back home until a few days ago when finally something shook me and allowed my eyes and heart to truly see. The catalyst? Look no further than the "Current Sounds" that graces the top of this post.
Believe me, I know they're trendy but listen, not to me, but to that track. You know how in some movies when someone is about to die, they're life flashes before their eyes as a series of moments frozen in time? Well, that's what happened when that song graced my ears with its melody. It was my trip however, rather than the lot of my life, that flashed before my eyes. They were the moments that reminded me of how the best experiences in life only happen when we let ourselves live; when we shed the shackles and chains to predictable reality and seize the day. Suffice to say, it made my eyes water and I couldn't stop thinking how much that trip meant, no, means to me. It taught me to live.
I almost turned my back on it though. I have been in the most passive/ambivalent/indifferent mood. I kept thinking about how much better life was abroad and how being home is mundane, redundant and not interesting. That song however, reminded me that life is meant to be lived rather than bitched about. Complaining never did anyone any good. It only wastes time. Action on the other hand, lets us take advantage of every second we have.
Dave Matthews wrote "Good love fight for everyday" and hey, I plan to. Life is far too short to waste.
Lastly (more of a reminder for me and less of a statement for you), live long, smile wide, and when it feels as though the world is falling down around you, remember to breathe ... everything will be alright.
Loves.
Showing posts with label Reflective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflective. Show all posts
23 June, 2008
04 June, 2008
On Coming Home ...
Soundtrack: Slow Runner - I'm gonna hate you when you go
I don't really know what to say except that I am coming 'home' tomorrow and quite frankly it's freaking me out. This trip or 'my journey' as I affectionately call it has been so many things to me at once. To start, it has acted as a security blanket shielding me from everything that has gone on stateside. When you're at home, the problems of loved ones affect you for two reasons with the first being that you love them and the latter being proximity. Some of those I love are going through hard times and now when I re-enter the western world, their problems will slowly become mine. I know it sounds wrong and completely selfish to say, but it's true. I have been lucky in that for the past 8 months the only person I really had to worry about was myself. Some things have made it over the oceans, rivers and mountain tops between us, but for the most part, I've been left unscathed by the noble burden of helping others through hard times. I hope that I can relearn how to be as strong for others as I am for myself for that is the true test of moral strength and courage.
The second reason I'm freaked out is that I feel that I have changed more than I could have imagined. The core things are the same in that I still look at the world with the wide wondrous eyes of a 5 year-old but other things have changed. What exactly? I'm not really sure as I'm certain they were gradual but I just feel it and I don't know if it's for the better. 'Home' is the truth teller of what I've become. Whether or not I have 'grown' or simply 'changed' will soon be revealed.
It's funny that my first taste of home was four months ago ... this girl I met in Bali (my romance from the "Baliriffic" post) was wrapping up her 3 month journey abroad and heading home. We exchanged emails when she left and she told me how scared and excited she was about the up and coming adventure. We talked about how home has simply been where we laid our backpacks to rest and how the very essence of familiarity is frightening. Most importantly we talked about how the scariest thing about coming home is the question of whether or not we readjust too much to the civilized word and lose some of the lessons that we've learned about others and more importantly, ourselves. Luckily, I recently talked with her and she informed me that she not only conquered but owned the challenges that one faces when 'coming home'. There's hope for me yet.
To summarize what this trip has been for me I will say this, that it has been one of excess in all regards and more than anything I could have imagined it could be. I want to thank all of you who were a part of it.
To my fellow travelers: You rock ... whether it be riding dirty and living on the cheap or tubing down the chocolate river, you all taught me a little something more about stepping up and owning life. The experiences I have shared with you are simply priceless.
To my friends at home: Thank you for you helping build me into a man who would follow his dream. I've been a prick, continually forget to buy presents, yell and argue with all of you and yet, you hold on strong. I have even tried to systematically ruin some of our friendships and still, you held. Much love.
To my family: I love you and if you could see the water in my eyes you would understand everything else I would love to say because sadly I know not the words to accurately convey the affection I have for you. Your support through all of this is one of the reasons I'll be coming home smiling wide. I am proud to be your son, your brother and your friend. Gorbanat Beram.
So this is it ... this chapter is over. All that's left is to flip the page and see how the rest of 'my story' unfolds.
I don't really know what to say except that I am coming 'home' tomorrow and quite frankly it's freaking me out. This trip or 'my journey' as I affectionately call it has been so many things to me at once. To start, it has acted as a security blanket shielding me from everything that has gone on stateside. When you're at home, the problems of loved ones affect you for two reasons with the first being that you love them and the latter being proximity. Some of those I love are going through hard times and now when I re-enter the western world, their problems will slowly become mine. I know it sounds wrong and completely selfish to say, but it's true. I have been lucky in that for the past 8 months the only person I really had to worry about was myself. Some things have made it over the oceans, rivers and mountain tops between us, but for the most part, I've been left unscathed by the noble burden of helping others through hard times. I hope that I can relearn how to be as strong for others as I am for myself for that is the true test of moral strength and courage.
The second reason I'm freaked out is that I feel that I have changed more than I could have imagined. The core things are the same in that I still look at the world with the wide wondrous eyes of a 5 year-old but other things have changed. What exactly? I'm not really sure as I'm certain they were gradual but I just feel it and I don't know if it's for the better. 'Home' is the truth teller of what I've become. Whether or not I have 'grown' or simply 'changed' will soon be revealed.
It's funny that my first taste of home was four months ago ... this girl I met in Bali (my romance from the "Baliriffic" post) was wrapping up her 3 month journey abroad and heading home. We exchanged emails when she left and she told me how scared and excited she was about the up and coming adventure. We talked about how home has simply been where we laid our backpacks to rest and how the very essence of familiarity is frightening. Most importantly we talked about how the scariest thing about coming home is the question of whether or not we readjust too much to the civilized word and lose some of the lessons that we've learned about others and more importantly, ourselves. Luckily, I recently talked with her and she informed me that she not only conquered but owned the challenges that one faces when 'coming home'. There's hope for me yet.
To summarize what this trip has been for me I will say this, that it has been one of excess in all regards and more than anything I could have imagined it could be. I want to thank all of you who were a part of it.
To my fellow travelers: You rock ... whether it be riding dirty and living on the cheap or tubing down the chocolate river, you all taught me a little something more about stepping up and owning life. The experiences I have shared with you are simply priceless.
To my friends at home: Thank you for you helping build me into a man who would follow his dream. I've been a prick, continually forget to buy presents, yell and argue with all of you and yet, you hold on strong. I have even tried to systematically ruin some of our friendships and still, you held. Much love.
To my family: I love you and if you could see the water in my eyes you would understand everything else I would love to say because sadly I know not the words to accurately convey the affection I have for you. Your support through all of this is one of the reasons I'll be coming home smiling wide. I am proud to be your son, your brother and your friend. Gorbanat Beram.
So this is it ... this chapter is over. All that's left is to flip the page and see how the rest of 'my story' unfolds.
12 March, 2008
I Think I Might Be Crazy ...
I am willing to bet a fair amount of cash that anyone who has been 'down under' has loved it and might - out of need - partake in some scandalous activities in order to return. The beaches in Queensland are comparable with those exotic postcard images of the beaches in Thailand and the rest of South East Asia, the iconic Sydney Opera House is even more intriguing in person, Melbourne - the home of the Australian Open - is the 'sister' city of San Francisco, and well, Kangaroos, outdoor activities, women and surfing galore. Despite all this, I'm leaving ...
I had what I dubbed a 'Western Freak Out' two days ago. Something just hit me and I knew I had to get out of here. I felt trapped; imprisoned. I had been struggling to cope with the changes of lifestyle and culture that come with being back in the west since I arrived. Hannes - a cool cat from my second time around in Kuala Lumpur - had told me that I would and that it truly takes a strong conscious effort to knock yourself out of it. That thought was reiterated by a girl I met upon arrival at my favorite German's place in Sydney.
I wish that I could accurately articulate the thoughts that have/are running through my head in an effort to sort them out and reassure myself that I am doing the right thing (noting of course that there are no guarantees in life and the effects of any one decision have the potential to ripple out through the tide of time).
Financially speaking, I am an idiot as going through this ordeal entails forfeiting a ridiculously cheap flight back into Asia at a later date, buying a new ticket last minute, missing the flight due to extremely incompetent service people (jetstar is a waste of life) resulting in a rescheduling fee and lastly a pre-arranged ticket out of KL. Mentally speaking, I think I am doing the right thing. I realized that 1)at this point in my life, the 'real world' isn't so real, 2)that this trip is finite and regardless of the risk I need to follow my heart wherever it leads me and 3)when traveling (for me at least) the 'first' and 'third' world should not be mixed and match. The amount of time it takes to readjust your mind and wallet accordingly is better spent zip lining through a jungle, hitch hiking through Indonesia, chasing after a girl and well, owning life.
It's funny ... I've been in Australia for 3 weeks and all I have seen is Sydney. I have had some good times and met great a few great people who have helped me get through this surprisingly difficult time (God I must sound like a whiny brat).
To my gracious host, I am forever in your debt. I am lucky to be a benefactor of your generosity, friendship and more importantly, your love. As much as it pains me to leave you, our paths will soon cross and should they not, believe me when I tell you that I carry a piece of you with me wherever I go.
I had what I dubbed a 'Western Freak Out' two days ago. Something just hit me and I knew I had to get out of here. I felt trapped; imprisoned. I had been struggling to cope with the changes of lifestyle and culture that come with being back in the west since I arrived. Hannes - a cool cat from my second time around in Kuala Lumpur - had told me that I would and that it truly takes a strong conscious effort to knock yourself out of it. That thought was reiterated by a girl I met upon arrival at my favorite German's place in Sydney.
I wish that I could accurately articulate the thoughts that have/are running through my head in an effort to sort them out and reassure myself that I am doing the right thing (noting of course that there are no guarantees in life and the effects of any one decision have the potential to ripple out through the tide of time).
Financially speaking, I am an idiot as going through this ordeal entails forfeiting a ridiculously cheap flight back into Asia at a later date, buying a new ticket last minute, missing the flight due to extremely incompetent service people (jetstar is a waste of life) resulting in a rescheduling fee and lastly a pre-arranged ticket out of KL. Mentally speaking, I think I am doing the right thing. I realized that 1)at this point in my life, the 'real world' isn't so real, 2)that this trip is finite and regardless of the risk I need to follow my heart wherever it leads me and 3)when traveling (for me at least) the 'first' and 'third' world should not be mixed and match. The amount of time it takes to readjust your mind and wallet accordingly is better spent zip lining through a jungle, hitch hiking through Indonesia, chasing after a girl and well, owning life.
It's funny ... I've been in Australia for 3 weeks and all I have seen is Sydney. I have had some good times and met great a few great people who have helped me get through this surprisingly difficult time (God I must sound like a whiny brat).
To my gracious host, I am forever in your debt. I am lucky to be a benefactor of your generosity, friendship and more importantly, your love. As much as it pains me to leave you, our paths will soon cross and should they not, believe me when I tell you that I carry a piece of you with me wherever I go.
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